A fresh, new year has begun … do I feel happy? No,, not at all. My thoughts are with my mom that recently passed away. I am hurting. My entire family (small as it is) is hurting, and I don’t know if the pain will ever pass. In the past two weeks I haven’t had a full night’s sleep yet; my mind can’t shut off, and the anxiety in my chest is tight.

It’s true that people act differently with death. It’s a difficult time that tugs at all of your emotions. You laugh, you cry, you talk, you ache, you mourn, you scream, etc. What I didn’t expect was the appearance of normalcy. How can life go back to normal after losing your mom? Will life ever be normal again?

When I learned of my mom’s death I was shocked. I knew that Alzheimer’s would get her, and I hoped sooner rather than later because it’s not living, but I still didn’t expect it just yet. Other then Alzheimer’s, my mom was healthy! Reality is it’s always a shock when death occurs. This is probably why I was in a daze, and still am. The violent shock was like a tsunami in the ocean of life!

Arranging the funeral was the furthest from my mind. Who wants to look through catalogues of coffins, flowers, cards, and coffin accessories? Really?! NO ONE!  

The “I’m sorrys”; although appreciated, are just sounds coming from mouths. I hear and see everything but nothing really makes sense. Did someone say something? Ask something? I don’t know. All I know is that the pain is ever present.

After living through all this pain, I now have to deal with lawyers in two countries. I have to take care of settling my mom’s affairs. That means banks, real estate, belongings, lawyers, governments, bills, and taxes. I will be in a whirlwind of numbing pain, while making numerous decisions for several months. I will have to force myself to face making difficult decisions.

What this means is I will have to postpone true mourning and grieving until all tasks have been finalized. I miss my mom. Quite frankly, I can’t believe she’s actually gone.

What’s a POA?  That part is easy … POA stands for Power of Attorney.  What isn’t easy is actually being one.   A Power of Attorney allows one to act on behalf of another in their affairs (ex. banking, sale of home, making decisions, etc).

For the past year I’ve been dealing with everything pertaining to taking care of my mom.  My 87 year old mom has Alzheimer’s and is now in the late stage. As Power of Attorney, I have the final decision on doing everything and/or anything that is in my mom’s best interest.  Keep in mind that I’m the baby of the family!  My European family is quite small:  I have two older brothers … that’s it … no more family.

I’d like to think that my mom’s three kids will come together on everything.  Unfortunately, we don’t always see eye to eye.  Suffice it to say I have had a long, bumpy ride (to date) and I don’t foresee it getting any easier.  Life can get complicated and making the right decisions can be difficult … more so when the decisions are regarding another person’s well being.  Even when you can make decisions, it isn’t always black and white.   Case in question: owning a home in another  country!  The laws in other countries are different which; in turn, makes your life as POA more difficult.  There’s a lot of red tape, bureaucratic paperwork to go through and it just makes you crazy!

For those of you following along; from the beginning, you know that I’ve pulled back from much of my posts on social media.  I haven’t stopped but I certainly am not as active as I have been in the past.  It’s been difficult to maintain even a minimal presence but I’ve been doing the best that I can.  I hope that you haven’t given up on me and that you’re still hanging on by being faithful readers.  My life has been a challenge and; quite frankly, I need your support to get me through this.