A fresh, new year has begun … do I feel happy? No,, not at all. My thoughts are with my mom that recently passed away. I am hurting. My entire family (small as it is) is hurting, and I don’t know if the pain will ever pass. In the past two weeks I haven’t had a full night’s sleep yet; my mind can’t shut off, and the anxiety in my chest is tight.
It’s true that people act differently with death. It’s a difficult time that tugs at all of your emotions. You laugh, you cry, you talk, you ache, you mourn, you scream, etc. What I didn’t expect was the appearance of normalcy. How can life go back to normal after losing your mom? Will life ever be normal again?
When I learned of my mom’s death I was shocked. I knew that Alzheimer’s would get her, and I hoped sooner rather than later because it’s not living, but I still didn’t expect it just yet. Other then Alzheimer’s, my mom was healthy! Reality is it’s always a shock when death occurs. This is probably why I was in a daze, and still am. The violent shock was like a tsunami in the ocean of life!
Arranging the funeral was the furthest from my mind. Who wants to look through catalogues of coffins, flowers, cards, and coffin accessories? Really?! NO ONE!
The “I’m sorrys”; although appreciated, are just sounds coming from mouths. I hear and see everything but nothing really makes sense. Did someone say something? Ask something? I don’t know. All I know is that the pain is ever present.
After living through all this pain, I now have to deal with lawyers in two countries. I have to take care of settling my mom’s affairs. That means banks, real estate, belongings, lawyers, governments, bills, and taxes. I will be in a whirlwind of numbing pain, while making numerous decisions for several months. I will have to force myself to face making difficult decisions.
What this means is I will have to postpone true mourning and grieving until all tasks have been finalized. I miss my mom. Quite frankly, I can’t believe she’s actually gone.